scar tissue paper

sit in the water under your sun
Sting from the chemicals
I feel the world spin as they pick me up
and my body lifts higher while my heartbeat drops
you ripple towards me anchoring
us back in our old reality
Before i was above it all and floating
Now and here i’m ringed with scars
The drawbridge to my heart recedes
I’m closing and if i open
The fear will shred it apart so i can’t say a thing

I’m left trapped on the sinking island unable to swim
no means of escape so i watch the earth swirl together and me apart from it
into the sky a cyclone of color and atoms
meant to burn together in the sun

She swirls up before me, an ethereal stain on the landscape
It makes me question how i got here
How i am with her
and if we end now in this stagnant pool
As i reverse the spiral you root in the grass and muck immune to my energy
unseeing the spiral
I see that you cannot help me back

remembering i have a body, i have motion
I realize it is very cold and the movement has almost left, reaching stillness
in the spiral we ascended and in the water holding my corpse
And there is not much time left, i am blue
Shaking
the last of my energy fighting the still water and hordes of weeds away to the end

It takes effort to extend the energy to my legs and core and reactivate the body i nearly gave up to the water
I stumble to the shore like a newborn deer taking his first steps
Alone as always i have interpellated myself
but this time fundamentally changed
You watch as i stagger into the earth energy akimbo mouth open and you say i look like a faun or maybe you meant a fawn and i don’t especially care because i asked you to help me in and you didn’t and i can’t swim like I used to

And the walk shredded the scar tissue over my heart asunder
it’s been washed away
I think it protected me from you in some way
I’m too sensitive now to the way you dredge and upbraid me
But it dissolved and changed form

My chest is coated in thick scars showing where i removed my pain and they remind me every day of what i went through at everyone’s hands and your tongue
Slowly the stiffness relaxes
i feel it every day
Maybe you could make me feel safe someday
like she kept me warm